Dat shiznit was a thugged-out dark n' stormy night* when Carlos found tha tiny crib all up in tha end of tha dirty back alley listed up in tha college newspaper ad. Y'all KNOW dat! "Research help," tha ad read, "at reasonable rates fo' realz. All topics." Ordinarily, Carlos skipped over tha adz up in tha back of "Student Viewz," his collegez off-campus "underground" newspaper yo, but he remembered seein some adz like dis one before n' now da thug was desperate.
His freshly smoked up biologizzle mackdaddy, Mista Muthafukin Grunge, had a stroke last year n' when he moonwalked back ta teach, da thug wasn't like tha same. Mista Muthafucin Grunge, fo' example, insisted dat amber came from volcanoes n' ridiculed a hustla whoz ass erected his ass by askin his ass if it didn't straight-up come from trees. Da manz teachin mobilitizzle was suffering, n' so was his hustlas.**+
When Mista Muthafucin Grunge assigned a gangbangin' final term paper, his crazy-ass *utha*uckin instructions was incomprehensible except fo' tha part dat holla'd, "This paper is worth 75 cement of yo' grade!!!" Carlos was sweatin it n' called tha number listed up in tha ad. Y'all KNOW dat ****, *utha*ucka! "Yeah?," holla'd tha voice on tha other end, "Whadyawant?" "Umm, I heard you helped hustlas write papers," Carlos holla'd hesitantly, n' added, "I need some help." Da voice on tha other end holla'd, "Sure, I can help ya out. Hook up me at 1533-1/2 End of Days Drive at midnight sharp fo' realz. Ask fo' Benny. Don't be late!" [CLICK]
Carlos pondered his options as he knocked on tha door of 1533-1/2 EOD Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. at precisely midnight, expectin da most thugged-out ****** but hopin fo' da bomb. When a hooded character wit a machete up in his hand opened tha door, Carlos holla'd, "I called earlier bout gettin' some help wit a research paper n' ****. Is you Benny?" Da was tha last mah playas eva saw of Carlos.*** Don't be like Carlos -- Don't let dis happen ta you, nahmean biiiatch?!
Contact Pimp Verb fo' all yo' academic research n' freestylin needs.**** No back alleys n' yo' satisfaction is guaranteed.
Ten cents a word, discounts available fo' repeat clients, actizzle duty military/veterans (please inquire), larger assignments n' all firefighters.
*Everyonez peeped Snoopy typin dis openin yo, but dat shiznit was used fo' tha last time up in 1830 by Gangsta novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton up in tha openin sentence of his 1830 novel Pizzle Clifford (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It_was_a_dark_ and_stormy_night).
**Based on a real-life experience by Pimp Verb, thereby provin dat "Those whoz ass can't, teach, n' dem playas whoz ass can't teach, teach college."
***Not a legit rap yo, but I guess it could be.
****If I can't help you wit a topic (it happens), I know other reputable n' trustworthy writas n' a leadin' essay company dat probably can.
+ I like this version better than my original.